I went to an all-girl's Catholic boarding school when I was in high school. That education served me well as a women in that I had no male competitors for sports, class offices or grades. As a matter of fact, I had no knowledge of males at all. What they did and how they acted were a complete mystery.
To say that I learned about sex from the nuns is a statement of fact. Our sex class was taught by Sister Lacey in seventh grade and frankly, it was all over my head. To complicate matters, the man and woman were depicted by stick figures. The female stick figure had on a triangle skirt to depict her manner of dress. The male stick figure had on no pants. (A minor detail that really should have demanded a huge explanation.)
Both the male and female stick figures had big round heads with no faces. I thought, "If that is what my dream man is going to look like, there really is no need for this class." These stick figures had quite a social life. They went to the movies, read books together, ate pasta, but when it came to sex - No, No, and No Again! I knew this was because I saw two horizontal lines with bobble heads on the screen with a dark red "X" over them. It's surprising this universal sign never caught on with the general public.
I was taught to be very modest and I learned my lesson well. You can not imagine the trauma I felt when I wore a sleeveless white blouse to school instead of the standard uniform blouse. I hid it beneath my blue blazer but it was a hot day and I took my jacket off in front of Sister Lacey. She said, "Put that blazer back on; your blouse is immodest!" Oddly enough, Sister Lacey didn't say anything about my plaid uniform skirt that was rolled up three times to capture the miniskirt trend. And how could I be immodest, if the stick figure lady had on no blouse at all?
To explain the level of my socially challenged sexual self is hard to explain adequately in words. Let me try with a picture.
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Showing posts with label baby humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Giving Birth to Higher Life Forms
I'm looking at my two teenage boys sitting on the sofa as they watch reruns of "The Daily Show". At ages 14 and 15, respectively, they are both gaining height as rapidly as I gain width from mid-life bulge. . Steven is a natural talker, a natural laugher, a definite people person. Brendan at 15, is so highly intelligent that his innocent questions in the car at age five brought all conversation to a halt. "Mom, why do people say "one egg" but "zero eggs? " "Mom, what matter do you think black holes are made of?" He followed through in life by getting a 98% on his PSATs.
"Earth to Mom!" My 13 year old daughter, Christine walks towards my desk in the family room and is radioing in. "Mom, what are you thinking about?"
"I was thinking about those earthlings over there that I gave birth to. How'd did they get bigger than me and smarter than me? When I met them they were only 23 inches long. None of this makes sense. I've been on the planet longer. I should know more stuff and be able to do more stuff.""
"Mom, can I have a trampoline? The Burkes just got one." Images of bounding children in neck braces crossed my mind. "No. I can't take the chance that someone will get hurt in our backyard." "But the Burkes got one!" "Christine, that's because the Burkes have five kids and its cheaper than a babysitter. If two of them break their leg, they score an advantage of less mobility in the house."
"Can I get a tattoo?" I gasped for breath. "A tattoo!" Christine answered me with conviction, "Yes. I'd like a tattoo of a little yellow rose right above my rear. I think it will look pretty with my bathing suit this summer." I shook my head "No" but I knew Christine was not convinced. I realize that what young girls don't understand is that with time and gravity that little yellow rose will grow into a giant sunflower. "But mom, tattoos are cool!"
Uh, oh - did she say "cool"? I reeled from yet another revelation. My children are bigger, smarter and COOLER than me. As I gaze back toward Jon Stewart as he wraps up another segment of irreverent political humor - the realization of all the joy of motherhood was clear. I had given birth to higher life forms! I'd given birth to three beautiful children who had become bigger, smarter and cooler than me. For this great gift, I am awestruck and forever thankful. In my prayers, I say, "Thank you God for giving me a little taste of your creation!"
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