Ballroom Dancing With the Comedian!

           This past weekend I signed up for a private ballroom dance lesson.  Let’s check that right off the bucket list. 

           I’ve always loved to dance and oddly enough the first song I fell in love with was “Let Me Entertain You” from the striptease move “Gypsy” when I was just eight years old.  I sang the heck out of that song and practiced a lot of dance moves with it too.  I wonder how bizarre my family thought it was that I’d fallen in love with such a provocative song.  Of course little “June” in the movie sang it when she was five in a white dress with a petticoat and patent leather shoes.  Wait a minute, who let me watch “Gypsy” anyway?  That wasn’t the all-girl Catholic school way.

          I’ve loved dancing all my life and I’ve taken lessons in tap, jazz, ballet and acrobatics.  The one thing I always pined for was ballroom dancing.  I always wondered where those people learned to dance with one another.  When I was in jazz class, I’d see advanced dancers carrying each other through the air.  I always thought, “I want a little piece of that!”

           Last week, I decided to put my thoughts into action after being inspired by “Dancing With the Stars.”  If this TV show is so popular, they’re must be a way to go after this dream.  I googled my way to ballroom dance instruction that looked reputable and I was on my way.  On Friday, I had my first private ballroom dance lesson.

           I’ve always wanted to learn how to dance with a guy who has exceptional rhythm.  Although my husband is interested in learning ballroom, I wanted to take the first class alone.  My husband’s ability to dance-“not” is well documented in my show.

           To say that I didn’t know how to dress for ballroom dancing instruction is an understatement.  Growing up Catholic makes me always reach for plaid.  Sure enough, I arrived in a plaid shirt, goofy work-out pants and yesterday’s horrible black heels.  My ballroom dance instructor, “Cinnamon” must have taken lessons in poker face because as odd as I looked he kept a straight face.  Not easy to do for a black ultra-cool black dude with shades and bling that looked like he could have graced the cover of Ebony Magazine.  When we met he didn’t crack a smile.  I could read the “Oh my god, is this the best they can give me” look that was written all over his face.  When we turned to look in the mirror, the sight was so bizarre I wanted to make it better by promising to wear a Cat Woman suit the next week.  Poor Cinnamon - I knew I’d make it up to him with my ability to “catch on.”

           Cinnamon asked me what  type of music I liked.  I’m thinking  “oldies”and “ Lady Gaga”.  I refused to let my teeny bopper mentality show and I blurted out  “Usher.”  Ha!  I remember being introduced on stage to an Usher song that really made me want to dance.  That counts!

           The lesson was awesome.  Dancing with a man who has rhythm (a black man who has rhythm – super extra bonus points!) was a dream.  It was everything I could imagine – fun, challenging and yet effortless.  Dancing on a cloud is a just description.  As Cinnamon danced he started to smile and repeatedly said “Thank You” as I picked up his moves after only one demonstration.  And best of all, he gave me the ultimate black dancer’s compliment, “Sally, you’ve a got a little black in you.”  Knock me over with feather!  I’d been working for a compliment like that since Gypsy Rose Lee.

           I left the ballroom lesson feeling a true sense of accomplishment.  But like all dreams, it’s time to wake up.  My next dancing lesson includes a challenging (challenged?) and adorable partner – my husband Bert.  Cinnamon, I bet you thought you’d seen everything when I arrived in my goofy plaid shirt and Capri pajama-like pants.  There’s another half to this cool-bound dance lady.  You better work on that poker face.  You’re gonna need it!

Comedy LaughIn Comes to Lake County!

     We've lived in Wauconda for over a year now and it is quite an adjustment from downtown Arlington Heights (and prior to that the City of Chicago).  Thankfully, it is a welcome adjustment that I cherish every day as I walk with my five dogs in Wauconda's serene and pastoral dog park.

     What do I miss most?  The nearby comedy scene, of course.  With the closing of Zanies Comedy Club in Vernon Hills, it is a solid 45 minute drive to another similar establishment.  However, with the arrival of ComedyLaughIn (ComedyLaughIn.com), a new comedy stage is coming to Wauconda that is the brainstorm of Monica Jablonski, Vickie (the "Vickie" of Vickies' Personal Salon and Spa), and myself.  We're thrilled there will be another entertainment venue nearby that will give audiences a place to laugh and relieve stress and allow their spirits to soar!

  Right now ComedyLaughIn is a once a month venture until January 1, 2012.  After that, the future is wide open to us as the present tenant leaves the premises.

     Opening week, I will perform clean stand up comedy from my one person show "Family Lunacy!"  My son, Steven Haas  will open for me.  He is one of Zanies' fastest rising stars with his clean material written brilliantly (Yes, that's the word on the comedy circuit.)

     Admission is $20.  It is a flat fee because it is a BYOB venue.  (No hidden costs or tips.)

     Best of all, the young people of Wauconda will now have a entertainment destination that includes laughter, fun and friendships.

     I love Wauconda for so many reasons.  And now I love it even more!  Visit ComedyLaughIn at 349 South Barrington Road in Wauconda.

 

I Left My Shins at the San Francisco Picasso Art Exhibit.

   Just returned from a trip to San Franciso where we brought our 19 year old daughter back to school for her Sophomore year.  It's alot less rough the second time around when her very excited friends are there to meet and greet her.  I even got to experience what is to be invisible!

     I enjoyed being the parent with no pressure to appear cool in any way, shape or form.  (My husband is so far off the scale of cool, he refers to himself as a "hipster."  He's actually more "retro" since he can't let go of the 60's fedora, sweater vest and argyle socks.)

     If you ever plan on going to San Francisco, start walking uphill now ... or maybe, yesterday.  Believe it or not, I trained for the trip, walking on my treadmill at elevations of eight and ten for two months.  The mistake I made is that I did not practice walking downhill.  By day two of our trips, I had shinsplints that would make a soccer goalie swoon. 

     I reached my peak of pain at the Museum of Fine Art when we walked slowly through the Picasso art exhibit.  Now I'm not sure if my feet and shins hurt too much or if Picasso had really ugly friends, but I just didn't get it.  Call me unsophisticated, unrefined or in need of a good foot rubbing but cubism seems like a scam.  Being a comedian, I entertained myself with my own thoughts as I sat on a bench and waited for my husband and daughter to inspect the paintings.  "How did this guy keep any friends?  Once he turned the canvass around and said, 'This is you', I think that would have been it!" And was that couple with the cockeyed heads who were painted running down the beach really that homely?  I bet they thought they looked cute that day.  What about the lady who had her arm coming out of the side of her head.  Did she jump up infuriated and say, "Listen, my little Pic, did I really have to sit here all day for that?!  I am so outa here!"

     Maybe an Aleve or a masseuse would have changed my whole perspective or brightened my spirit.  Perhaps Picasso was a hipster and I was the one wearing a sweater vest that day.  Trying to think of the "good" news, I decided my next career could be that of a cubistic artist.  I can't draw, I can't paint and yet my friends would think my contorted efforts were inventive and creative.  Now that I think about it, maybe this Picasso guy was really on to something!

When you Can't Button Your "Fat" Pants....

    Everyone has a moment when they look in the mirror and say, "That's it.  I'm going on a diet!"  For some, the sentiment kicks in when the scale tips a mere five pounds over the line.  For others, it's when the ambulance comes with the extra wide stretcher and they take a power saw to the front of your house because they want you star in a new reality show called "Wide Load."  Despite this disparity, the point remains - when a woman feels fat - she feels fat.  Oddly enough, the anorexic often feels "fat" too.

    My moment came two weeks ago when my "fat" pants wouldn't button anymore.  My desire to procrastinate had reached it's end.  There was nowhere to turn but Kohl's with a 30% coupon.  Did I really want to start a new wardrobe from scratch?  I was backed into a muffin-topped corner.

     Two years ago, my weight reached 162.  Incredibly, my pregnant weight was 160.  This alone sounds like the start to a very scary story.  Despite this weight gain, I didn't see myself much differently.  I have a theory about women - we tend to see ourselves as we looked in high school.  We're oblivious to the weight that gradually forms on our thighs, buttocks and waist until someone appears with that video from hell.

     Being on stage has been a godsend in this regard.  A video shakes a skewed picture of reality and quickly answers the age-old question "Do I look fat?"  My realistic video came at Taste of Chicago two years ago.  I had my son tape me on the comedy stage.  I was wearing a full pleated top (of course) that could easily have been bought in the maternity section.  When I saw the tape, I thought, "No need to throw those old baby jokes away just yet."  I was horrified.  "Is this what I look like?"  "But I thought I was still that skinny girl in high school!  Where'd she go? No wonder no one tells me how skinny I am anymore!  Wow - I've been really out of touch."

     I tested the waters.  I told a neighbor who tipped the scales at 450 pounds that I was thinking of going on a diet.  Her response, "What diet are you thinking of going on?"  That's it!  Why didn't she scream, "You - diet!  But you're so skinny!"  I had to take action fast.

     I immediately considered Weight Watchers but I know I like to eat food when I handle it - not weigh it.  I thought of cooking those special light calorie meals from my special light calorie meal cookbook.  Nope.  I can't cook that way.  It's just too depressing.

     I decided to join Jenny Craig.  The food comes in little boxes.  When the little boxes are empty that's the signal to stop eating.  Yes.  I would need that big of hint.  I called Jenny Craig and they said, "Come in now...or sooner!"  (I like that strategy - don't let women think twice about giving up their chocolate cake and ice cream.)

     The Jenny diet worked like magic!  I was able to drop 20 pounds in 10 weeks and the only new clothes that I bought were labeled "Size 8."  I am a lifetime member of Jenny.  When the pounds go up - I run for help.  The extra cost of food is a small price to pay in exchange for what could become any looming weight gain medical issues.  Best of all, it took my out of my "I look the same as I did in high school trance."  Stand on stage ladies and take a video, it's a wake up call that lasts a lifetime!

     In mid-July I was desperate to practice a five minute set.  I was preparing for The World Series of Comedy Competition in St. Charles.  The material I chose was very familiar to me but I had not yet put it together to assure myself that it did indeed equal five minutes.  The World Series of Comedy wanted a short and sweet five minutes.

    After scouring the internet, I realize the only "new talent" or "showcase" club feasible for me to practice this five minutes was in Schaumburg at the Laff Out Loud Theater.  I had heard that comedians could do brief sets every other Sunday at this club.  Generally new talents show up and go up.  I had this in mind when I went to the theater's site to find showtimes.  What happened next stunned me and saddened me.

    In order to perform five minutes at The Laff Out Loud Theater, it is necessary to sign up and pay $5.00 by credit card including $1.26 in tax!??!  (Tax?  Taxing what?)  In order to do five minutes of standup comedy after 30 years of stage experience - I had to pay?!  Wow!

    Did I sign up?  Of course I did - out of morbid curiosity.

   Ten days later I drove out to Schaumburg and entered the Laff Out Loud Theater foyer.  I was surrounded by about 15 young comics - the average age was 21.  All I could think was, "Why?"  "Why is this club taking advantage of your drive?  Why don't you know any better?  Why did it come to this again?"

  I performed my short five minute set early in the evening and was out the door by 9:00.  I wanted to leave that environment because it caused my heart to ache for all of those young creative spirits.  If only they could understand how a respectful career in comedy really is supposed to be.

Comedians Pay - $2.00 and a Free Drink!?

     New young comedians are now paying to take the stage!  Certainly this must be a joke!  (Pun may be intended - it's your call.)

     As a new comedian, I was thrilled to perform.  I started at the Comedy Cottage in Rosemont, IL where comedians could perform for 5 minutes and receive $2 in pay, plus a free drink.  No one questioned the pay.  We were so happy to be on stage in a room that was "hot."

   The Comedy Cottage was an ideal size for stand up comedy and it had great acoustics.  It was a money making a machine!  Did I mention that the performers were paid $2.00?  Oh yes, I think I did.

  On both the east and west coasts, comedy was hot.  Jay Leno, Jerry Seinfeld, David Letterman, Drew Carey were just a few of the comedians getting their start.  They performed at places like "Catch A Rising Star" in N.Y. and "The Comedy Store" in L.A.  Their pay - $5.  The club owner referred to it as "gas money."  The stand up comedy club scene was on fire.  The clubs were raking it in.  Did I mention that Jay Leno (who has always been a superior comedian) received $5.  Yep.  I think I did.

    Eventually the comics cried, "Enough is Enough!" and the comedy writers and performers went on strike.  They demanded to be paid.  They demanded respect.  They wanted to be appreciated.  I can personally tell you that while the writers strike was on, television entertainment was at an all new low.  I sure missed the talents of my incredibly funny peers.

  The result of the strike was a decent paycheck for services rendered.  Comedy is a business too.  Comedians need food and shelter and they need to be appreciated for their talents.  The strike made the world seem right again!  (More tomorrow on the comedy scene.)

Best Case Scenario - Your Child Leaves Home - Hmmmmm

     They say that the sign of success when bringing up children is that they grow up and leave.  Can someone come up with another sign please?  This payoff doesn't sound so good.
     Mothers are torn between wanting to see their children accomplish great things and staying home forever and ever. Have you seen parents drop their children off at college for the first time? Bobby or Susie immediately blends into the sea of other excited Freshmen while mom and dad linger lost in their own aching hearts. Often, colleges will post the time for parent departure for fear that dad will don his old football uniform and beg his boy to throw around the ball just one last time.
     My first son, Brendan, just graduated from the University of Chicago with honors in Physics.  (Yes.  I'm beaming.  I'm a comedian and yet I gave birth to a physicist.  God has a great sense of humor.  No wonder he was such a tough crowd.)  We went to Brendan's graduation knowing what his exciting future held.  He'd been picked from the graduating class, along with one other physics major, to go to Switzerland to work at the CERN Nuclear Collider for one year - paid!  My husband and I couldn't be more proud.  We've high-fived, Facebooked, Skyed and Twittered from the rooftops.
  In my quieter moments, I was thinking something quite different.  (Bear in mind, I often think in ways to entertain myself.)  THEY JUST KIDNAPPED MY KID.  I did everything right, read all the Mommy books, attended the soccer games, made the chocolate chip cookies and bought him the expensive calculator.  The result of my efforts were an INTERNATIONAL KIDNAPPING.  How come Switzerland gets him!
  I Gmail Chatted with Brendan this morning as he watched over a number of controls at the CERN facility.  He's been in Geneva for two months now and is doing great!  To Brendan, this is an adventure of a lifetime and it will propel him even faster toward his dreams.  We are all so proud!  Secretly, I know I had the most wonderful adventure of watching this all come to be.  It started when he was six years old in the backseat of our minivan when he asked, "Mom, what do you think about black holes?"  Being a comedian I was speechless and thought, "Yikes.  This parenting thing sure would be a lot easier if I could just answer with a joke!"