Teens and Their Menopausal Mothers - The Emotional Train Wreck

Every new mom is warned about the "terrible twos"- the time in your child's life when he or she is transformed into a mobile destruction unit no longer capable of understanding the word "No".   Every mom comes out with her war stories of the child who survived their own personal reign of terror.

Brendan spun out of control and threw himself sideways down a flight of stairs; Steven jumped on the bed in his sister's room, missed that perfect landing and broke his leg; Christine sucked on the counter at McDonalds and lived to laugh and shudder at the story.

Ah, the terrible twos- the simple life of parental worry. Little did I know that the terrible twos were baby steps to prepare us for the terrible teens- those adorable out-of-control kids- with attitude!

Does it strike you as ironic that most young girls approach their change of life into womanhood at the same time their own mothers are approaching their change of life into the golden years? I refer to this phenomenon as the hormonal train wreck. Two cyclonic life forms spiraling out-of-control trapped in the boundaries of four brick or aluminum-sided walls. No wonder the house starts to heave ho and split at the seams spilling out teenagers screaming, "Freedom, freedom, freedom!"

Does is strike you as odd that in the "olden, olden days" young boys were plowing the fields and assuming an iron-clad work ethic so that they could start their own families at age 14 or 15? Now we keep them under wrap until they're 18 and wonder why they attempt to blow the roof off the house with loud music full of agonizing lyrics.

And so I muse at the ironies of my terrible teens coming of age. I see the sky darken and the 30-foot wave approaching as lightening bolts strike a former sea of calm. And every time another emotional wave approaches with its threats and outbursts, I think to myself, "OH YEA, I USED TO DO THAT TOO!"

Clean Comedy Comes Home

Having "grown up" in the Midwest as a stand up comedian", I know that clean comedians in the Chicago area are a rare commodity these days. However, with the overkill of provocative comedy on cable television, they are making a comeback. Comedians performing clean comedy in the Chicago are ahead of the game.

I first took the stage in the mid-80's when television's comedy heroes were just beginning to change. While my parents still laughed at the one-liners of Bob Hope and the gimmicks of Red Skelton, a new generation was forming that would follow in the footsteps of Lenny Bruce and George Carlton. Material was becoming more risqué and very edgy.

With the advent of a few cable television channels, boundaries widened. Comedy material that had been "bleeped" by major networks was gradually becoming accepted. While the likes of Joan Rivers and words like "pregnant" had once raised eyebrows, the rants and raves of Sam Kinison made such references pale in comparison. America wanted to hear the straight talk. Offensive language and material was the new kick.

Welcome satellite TV and everything in between. Hundreds of channels and no specific guidelines for taste or tack cause the "tell-it-like-it-is" factor to spiral out of control. Every physical body part is explored and fair game for joking. The crowd goes wild as baby boomers are no longer silenced by the censor of the mom and dad generation. Who could have predicted after years of honing comedy material for the CBS, NBC and ABC talk shows that absolutely anything could be said or written for television? The baby boomers spilled their guts and ranted and raved. The uninspired became just plain foul.

The audience grew tired of it and even disgusted. Where's the genius in over-using the four-letter word?

And the tide takes a turn.

Clean comedy is back. No longer thrilled by shock value, a new generation sees the value in the inspired observation. There is an awe in watching a clean comic work and get laughs. Like an injured warrior taking his first step without crutches, there is bit of heroism in clean comedy. Audiences like the fact that they are treated as intelligent human beings who "get it". Clean comedy is the new "hip" because it offers a fresh approach to funny as life and all of its joys, pains and pitfalls are turned inside out.

Clean comedians in Chicago are making a comeback along with the rest of the nation. This really is a time for change when we re-examine our values and find joy in clean and intelligent humor.

Sally Edwards is a professional clean comedian, keynote speaker and corporate humorist who began her career studying improvisation at Chicago's Second City. Sally has been featured on Showtime's Comedy Club Network, A&E and NBC TV's Friday Night.

Sally Edwards is the president of The Humorous Speakers Bureau in Chicago.

Married Sex and The Irony of Leaving Home

Wait a minute. Something's gone askew. I got married so I could have an intimate sexual relationship with my partner whenever the mood so swayed me. I moved out of my parent's house so I could become independent and have privacy with my mate. I imagined doors left wide open, no room off limits and we might give the neighbors something to talk about!

The irony of all this hits me as I lay in bed with our two year old son, Brendan who is sprawled between my husband and me. Brendan's wild contortions in sleep could land him a gig as an acrobat in the circus. This "come sleep with Mommy and Daddy thing" seemed like a good idea the night the thunderstorm hit three weeks ago. Now I realize I've created a well established pattern that just might be the 100% birth control guarantee the world has been chasing.

It's a guaranteed deal. Kids in the bed, kids in the bathroom and kids watching TV with their ears wide open will bring your love life to a screeching halt. And when I say "kids", let me explain - it only takes one.

Young adults leave home for independence and privacy and what is the first thing they do? They start making plans to bring more people into the house! It appears that the passionate lovemaking goal is not a satisfactory end in itself.

When I have a vacant look in my eyes and start to cry at cartoons, my parents offer to watch the kids. "Go out for the night. Enjoy yourself! We'll take care of everything." It sounds exotically tempting but "out for the night" in senior lingo means "Go to the 5:00 movie. We go to bed at 7:30."

When a husband and wife "go to bed together" that phrase takes on a new meaning after babies are in the house. An exhausted daddy who has given too many piggy back rides and has the baby's puke on his golf shirt lies next to an incoherent mommy who is still babbling "The Wheels on the Bus" lyrics. They lie motionless from exhaustion in half-sleep until the human alarm rings at 2:00 a.m.

Let me review the plan here - move out, declare independence, pursue perpetual love making in every room of the house.

Reality show - spit covered zombies sharing the bed with a two-year old bed hog.

Why does this plan gone awry by young adults perpetuate itself? Because it is a great plan! It is full of surprises, twists and turns. It is a plan full of unconditional love, comfort, security and peace. My husband and I had our own plan of independence and marriage but it appears God's plan is so much

better. And yes, God does believe in birth control. It's called "Grind to a halt. There's kids in the house!"

Giving Birth to Higher Life Forms

I'm looking at my two teenage boys sitting on the sofa as they watch reruns of "The Daily Show". At ages 14 and 15, respectively, they are both gaining height as rapidly as I gain width from mid-life bulge. . Steven is a natural talker, a natural laugher, a definite people person. Brendan at 15, is so highly intelligent that his innocent questions in the car at age five brought all conversation to a halt. "Mom, why do people say "one egg" but "zero eggs? " "Mom, what matter do you think black holes are made of?" He followed through in life by getting a 98% on his PSATs.

"Earth to Mom!" My 13 year old daughter, Christine walks towards my desk in the family room and is radioing in. "Mom, what are you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about those earthlings over there that I gave birth to. How'd did they get bigger than me and smarter than me? When I met them they were only 23 inches long. None of this makes sense. I've been on the planet longer. I should know more stuff and be able to do more stuff.""

"Mom, can I have a trampoline? The Burkes just got one." Images of bounding children in neck braces crossed my mind. "No. I can't take the chance that someone will get hurt in our backyard." "But the Burkes got one!" "Christine, that's because the Burkes have five kids and its cheaper than a babysitter. If two of them break their leg, they score an advantage of less mobility in the house."

"Can I get a tattoo?" I gasped for breath. "A tattoo!" Christine answered me with conviction, "Yes. I'd like a tattoo of a little yellow rose right above my rear. I think it will look pretty with my bathing suit this summer." I shook my head "No" but I knew Christine was not convinced. I realize that what young girls don't understand is that with time and gravity that little yellow rose will grow into a giant sunflower. "But mom, tattoos are cool!"

Uh, oh - did she say "cool"? I reeled from yet another revelation. My children are bigger, smarter and COOLER than me. As I gaze back toward Jon Stewart as he wraps up another segment of irreverent political humor - the realization of all the joy of motherhood was clear. I had given birth to higher life forms! I'd given birth to three beautiful children who had become bigger, smarter and cooler than me. For this great gift, I am awestruck and forever thankful. In my prayers, I say, "Thank you God for giving me a little taste of your creation!"



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Live Your Private Dream

It's an interesting combination- piano teacher by day; standup comedian by night. To tell you the truth, I went for years denying my comic abilities, never telling the other grade school moms about the person I really was. None of them knew I'd spent most of my life, six days a week and sometimes threes shows a night, in smoky comedy clubs trying to make people laugh.

I didn't want to admit my recent past because I felt too many negative connotations come to mind in the words "standup comedian" - drinking, drugs, lewd material and perhaps irresponsible parenting. Living my teenage years at an all-girl's Catholic boarding school, I'd been engrained with a lifestyle that was not a match. And so I kept my past and dreams a secret.

I took off many years from standup comedy when my children were small. After my third child was born, I missed them all so much when I would go out to do a show at night. I continually thought, "Why am I here? I want to go home." Eventually the desire to be with my children at night combined with a healthy dose of exhaustion convinced me that I could leave standup comedy and lead a "normal" life. In retrospect, the lesson learned is - never turn your back on your dream - it will catch up with you, if you're lucky.

What happened in those years that I stayed away from the stage? I wrote and wrote and wrote. (Eventually that writing would become my first show entitled, "BIG PEOPLE, little people!") It was easy to write. I found my children endlessly amusing - let's change that to downright hilarious. I thought to myself, "What if adults acted like children?' "How long would it take for an adult who acted like a child to be committed?" Maybe less than a minute?

My son wore his Power Ranger costume to the grocery store. If I did that nobody would think I was cute. They'd commit me. They'd call the authorities. They'd call 911. They'd say, "Bag Lady in Aisle 6!"

What if I started screaming in church and tried to run up the aisle? Nobody would say, "She's kind of cranky today." No! They'd hustle me out and everyone would be very "disturbed".

What if I ate a spaghetti dinner and left the sauce all over my mouth and ran it through my hair? How do kids get away with this stuff!

And it made me laugh. And I wrote it down. And I'm still writing it down today.

The other day I was teaching a six-year-old girl a beginning piano lesson. In all her innocence, she started her own interesting conversation with me. "Mrs. Edwards. don't you hate it when you're on the monkey bars and you forget you have a skirt on, and your underpants show?" And I said quite matter-of-factly, "Yes. I do hate that! And I know just how you feel!"

Don't Marry A Felix Unger!

“Whatever you do – Don’t marry a Felix Unger!” I watch my other half carefully garnish a plate of salmon that he has grilled to perfection. On the stove are cut green beans simmering in a delicate mushroom sauce. Also on display are homemade mash potatoes.

“Sally! Whatever you do – Don’t marry a Felix Unger!” Now I get it! I drop my shovel and wipe the sweat from my forehead. Felix served a mean quiche but I don’t remember him doing yard work or being a handyman.

And the irony hits me as I dig out an old lilac bush. And It echoes as I stain the deck and paint the bedroom and peel ‘n stick the family room floor. I think of this pre-marriage advice as I pile 10 bags of woodchips in the back of my car to spread under the kid’s favorite apple tree. I ponder it as I beg the floor clerk in the hardware store to please explain how to assemble the lawn mower I brought home in an over-sized box last week. And I continue to think of it as my husband firmly ushers me away from the washing machine as he holds up his favorite t-shirt covered in bleach stains.

Yep. I married a Felix Unger. Yep. I did.

I return to my digging and think, “This fresh air sure smells good. My Felix doesn’t lift a shovel or mend a fence or own a tool kit but I know one thing. He cleans and cooks and he irons and picks up dry cleaning. My husband's Oscar Madison is one very lucky woman!”

Weiner Doll - The Man Dream

Congratulations to Congressman Weiner who has fulfilled every man's dream - they have created a bulging muscle replica of the man himself in his white-y, tidies.

My own husband spends alot of time looking at himself in the mirror. Did I say "alot" of time? I mean ALOT OF TIME! I know other women who experience this strange and unexpected phenomenon of "Mantime in the Mirror." Now Anthony Weiner has taken it one step further! He photographed himself looking in the mirror strutting his "stuff."
The average American man could relate to this stance but feigned indignity. The average American woman thought, "Oh yea, I've seen that before."

And now they've made an anatomically correct doll out of him. And sales are skyrocketing through the roof! Every man in America is screaming from the rooftops, "They made a doll made in his likeness! That coulda, woulda, shoulda been me!!!

My question is, "Who do you think scooped up those dolls?" ... Sneak into your man's cave today and take a peek. You just might be surprised at the new superhero sitting on your signficant other's desk. Yes Ladies! Anthony Weiner is in the house!

Laugh of the Day - Comedy by Sally

I saw the cutest thing on the news yesterday. A little girl of only four years old (Aelita Andre) had amazingly creative paintings hanging (and for sale) in an art gallery. A fawning reporter said, “Oooh you are so talented. These paintings are done so creatively! … What do you want to be when you grow up? (anxiously awaiting the expected reply).


The young Picasso matter-of-factly replied, “When I grow up – I want to be a caterpillar!”