Day 9 in a "Boot" Cast

It's been nine days since I broke my foot.  I have to say this is a heck of a lot easier than the wrist break I went through a few years ago.  Since I teach piano I really had to make some adjustments with a cast around my wrist and up my arm.

Breaking a foot can cause major disruptions in life including walking, driving, exercising, mowing, dancing, jumping, climbing, bike riding and the list goes on.  And for that reason, I decided to concentrate on the positive the minute that it happened.  My husband reiterated this when he said, "Don't think about what you can't do.  Think about what you can do!"  I imagine that should be a major thought every day we get up in the morning and we'd be on an eternal high.

Running up the driveway in backless clogs is never a good idea and I won't be doing that again.  If I hadn't been so cold, I guarantee I would have sauntered.  Now I appreciate each step that doesn't bring pain and I'm actually very happy.  The concerned looks on my friends' faces who even wince with a glance down haven't made my positive mental jump.  Every time I see a sad or worried face, I've decided I've made the better choice on how to react to my circumstances.  And I hope my positive mental attitude flows all the way down to my toes.

I never wait long to get up after an accident.  With five dogs who need to go to the dog park every day to stay sane, I really don't get a vote.  When I broke my wrist, I waited a day and returned to the park with a temporary cast on Day 2.  With a broken foot, I waited two days - only because my husband insisted on helping me with my furry crew.  Now I sneak the dogs to the park as soon as his car leaves the driveway.

I believe in healing through exercise and a positive outlook.  I will never let a doctor tell me what I can or can not do.  I will be doing it all again and that's that.  I've got a show in mid-January and I see myself doing that show with heels on even if I look like a coming out transvestite trying to walk in them

Live each day in full appreciation for all you can do and watch the world change in a moment!

Am I Really That Fat? A Photo Speaks!

One of the great things about stand up comedy is that it is a performance art.  And every performance artist is photographed whether they be a comedian, dramatist or Broadway dancer.  And boy do those photos speak!  Sometimes they scream!

As telling as a swimsuit shot, the photo taken on stage tells it like it is.  As horrible as this can be, it is equally wonderful.  I even been thankful for it as in a picture and video taken of me at The Chicago Comedy Festival four years ago.  My initial reaction was, "Who the heck is that!?!"  The supposed "baby doll" top that I wore that day screamed "Baby on Board!"  I knew something had to be done fast.  The very next day I enrolled in Jenny Craig and over the next three months I lost 20 pounds.  I felt reborn.  I felt one photo had saved my life.  Well, four years later after developing an addiction to very vanilla soy milk and honey graham crackers, I'm right back where I started.

I hired a professional photographer to take pictures of me on December 3rd, 2011 at The Energee Center Comedy Club in Wauconda, IL.  Brenda Lung Photography always does a great job and again Brenda pulled through!  However, mixed in with the excellent photography, there is always one photo begs a photoshop fix!  That is the photo that brought me to my senses - I don't have the figure I did in high school or even just four years ago.  How did I so massively digress!

I really do believe that both men and women continue to perceive their bodies as they looked in high school.  If you see a middle-aged man who looks like he carrying "full-term" hitting on a 25 year old babe, it is because his brain is living in denial.  He still sees himself wearing a football jersey who could either run 100 yards or even look great in full chest paint.  Women think like this too.  In my own mind, I see myself with skinny legs and a non-existent waist-line.  The clothes that I bring to the dressing room at T. J. Maxx are always too small.

And that is why I looked at many of my stage .jpgs from the Energee Center Comedy Club in horror. Surely the problem must be the lighting or the clothes or the hair (hair growing out! - also begging a quick fix.)  Rather than letting the depressing facts of an unhealthy diet consume me, I decided change must be imminent.  My ego and mental images of a fat-free high schooler would never let me back on stage again.

And so it is Day 4 of my diet.  Once again, I feel blessed to have the eye of a camera speak to me when others kept their thoughts to themselves.  The camera is my honest best friend who is able to snap me back to reality without a word or raised eyebrow.  I recently joined SparkPeople.com which is a social networking that helps people lose weight with health information and online friends.  It is a wonderful site to get that much-needed support and reassurance.  (Thank goodness my husband picked up a copy of "Good Housekeeping" in the doctor's office that day!)

Now it's onward and upward hoping for a better stage picture in January.  I'll post "before" and "after" pictures when I once again feel a wonderful sense of personal accomplishment!  Do you feel fat?  Don't ask your friends.  Take a picture!

We're Movin' On Up!

I have some fun shows coming up in the next couple weeks and 2012 but I have to say my favorite place to perform is my hometown of Wauconda.  When my friends, Vicki Laureys and Monica Jablonski decided to bring stand up comedy to Lake County (since the closing of Zanies) I never dreamed we'd open such a wonderful room.  When three women open a comedy club it is soooo different than a club run by a man.  Of course, I'm biased but the ambience of the room, the cleanliness of the bathrooms, the big smiles that greet customers when they walk in is something to that deserves recognition.  And we are happy - genuinely happy!  It's all new and we're reinventing ourselves.  Could three business women ask for anything more.

The room is comfy with so many different kinds of chairs that generates eclectic charm.  The comedians are so warmly welcome, they go on stage and immediately feel the supportive vibe.  I personally love the audiences who want to see you succeed.  Do you know what you get when you give positive energy to a comedian - a super show.  We're the little kids who used to spin in circles or do magic tricks or lip-sink songs while the adults egged us on.  The positive nature of the Lake County crowds is instrumental in the great shows that have hit home since the opening on October 8th.

You can have Hollywood, the glitter, the glare, the noise and the traffic.  I'll take Wauconda because comedy, for me, is to make people feel good!  And it happens here.

Lake County's Clean Comedy Stage - The Energee Center Comedy Club

    Writing the words "clean comedy" was a little bit difficult for me this morning.  It reminds me of the scarcity of clean comedians in the Midwest and that can be a real problem when a headliner cancels.  Last night, the Energee Center's headliner for Saturday night canceled his appearance because he had the opportunity to open for a John Pinette in Milwaukee at the Pabst Theater.  Being a comedian myself, I know that performing at a large venue is something difficult to resist.  It makes your spirit and soul really come alive.  However, now that I also "book" fellow comedians for a venue it also is a heart stopper with only 24 hours to find a clean comedian to fill the headliner's shoes.

My husband, Bert, who books Zanies is a real treasure in a situation like this.  Thank goodness I am married to someone "in the business" who offers moral support along with a good dose of humor whenever stress feels overwhelming.  Although Bert was at TV taping at the Zanies' downtown club, he took the time to reach deep in his little black book to begin firing out suggestions.  Of course, as a wife, I also had to swallow my pride every time he said, "Now you see, my job isn't easy."  The correct response is "Oh yes dear.  I know, and you work so hard."  (I did resist the comedic impulse to say the words in a robot voice.)

They say when God closes a door, he opens a window and I'm a big believer in that.  In this case, he opened a large picture window.  With Bert's suggestion, I reached Bill Gorgo, who can be described as a white Bill Cosby.  His delivery is conversational and in moments you will be laughing to tears and yet not be quite sure how you got there.  The best part is I haven't seen Bill Gorgo in at least 10 years and yet because of my long history in comedy I know he is a perfect fit for the relaxed and very friendly atmosphere of the Energee Center Comedy Club.

I'm proud to be on the roster tonight with Michael Issac (who just got a national Walmart commercial!) and Bill Gorgo.  Onward and upward with clean comedy.  It is always just within reach - with the help of family and friends.

Growing Up Catholic - Sex Education and the Stick Figure

     I went to an all-girl's Catholic boarding school when I was in high school.  That education served me well as a women in that I had no male competitors for sports, class offices or grades.  As a matter of fact, I had no knowledge of males at all.  What they did and how they acted were a complete mystery.

     To say that I learned about sex from the nuns is a statement of fact.  Our sex class was taught by Sister Lacey in seventh grade and frankly, it was all over my head.  To complicate matters, the man and woman were depicted by stick figures.  The female stick figure had on a triangle skirt to depict her manner of dress.  The male stick figure had on no pants.  (A minor detail that really should have demanded a huge explanation.)

   Both the male and female stick figures had big round heads with no faces.  I thought, "If that is what my dream man is going to look like, there really is no need for this class."  These stick figures had quite a social life.  They went to the movies, read books together, ate pasta, but when it came to sex - No, No, and No Again!  I knew this was because I saw two horizontal lines with bobble heads on the screen with a dark red "X" over them.  It's surprising this universal sign never caught on with the general public.

     I was taught to be very modest and I learned my lesson well.  You can not imagine the trauma I felt when I wore a sleeveless white blouse to school instead of the standard uniform blouse.  I hid it beneath my blue blazer but it was a hot day and I took my jacket off in front of Sister Lacey.  She said, "Put that blazer back on; your blouse is immodest!"  Oddly enough, Sister Lacey didn't say anything about my plaid uniform skirt that was rolled up three times to capture the miniskirt trend.  And how could I be immodest, if the stick figure lady had on no blouse at all?
 
     To explain the level of my socially challenged sexual self is hard to explain adequately in words.  Let me try with a picture.
                                                                         ???
                                                                          O
                                                                         - |-
                                                                           /\

The Charlie's Angels of Comedy in Lake County

       Charlie's Angels have hit the comedy scene!   These new angels come in the form of three women who are reinventing themselves as comedy club lovers and designers of Comedy LaughIn in Wauconda.  Just a day ago, I met with my fellow angels Monica and Vicki to discuss our new venture.  It seemed odd that only a month ago we had the idea to feature clean comedy in room adjacent to Vicki's Salon and Spa on Route 59 in Wauconda.  One month later, we put on a show in an intimate room that had the warmth of an eclectic coffee house, complete with the smell of fresh popcorn as you walked in the door.  Great thing about women opening a comedy club - comedians are clean, room has the warmth of an old coffee house and yes, the bathroom in clean!

     The positive energy that filled the room on October 8, opening night, was undeniable.  Over and over again, we heard, this is such a fun and friendly place.

     All three of us feel as if we are on the verge of something wonderful - a place for friends and family to gather for laugher .... and everybody knows your name (if you wear a name tag).

     Vicki, Monica and I talked about this Friday's show.  With 30 reservations already in place, there is a definite need for laughter in Lake County.  At our meeting, we discussed our limited budget which oddly enough makes putting on a show even more exciting.  With a mix-match of chairs, a scavenger hunt for nice tea cups and relatives making coffee cake, this all has a small town feel.  It's a nice escape from corporate America for us and all of our "guests."

   

Gearing up for "Comedy Laugh In!"

     I love Wauconda.  And I don't say that lightly.  I Luuuuvvvvv Wauconda!  We moved here one year and four months ago from Arlington Heights and I'm still drinking in the country.  Owning five dogs, I knew I was out of place in Arlington Heights.  (The fact that the police were against dogs in the park also was a big clue.  I told my husband I was forever on the "lam.")
    Of course, all moves have their give and takes.  The big take is the dog park woods where I take my dogs for walks twice a day.  The give (away) is the distance of every and all comedy clubs.  With Zanies leaving Vernon Hills, I feel like I'm on remote island where I have no good access to my craft.

     This summer I went on a quest to find a place for my humor.  And oddly enough, I ran into the answer in my own backyard.  One of my friends, Monica Jablonski, was looking for activites to place in a soon-to-be-vacant space which a part of Vickie's Plaza that includes the a beautiful salon and spa.  Located on Route 59 and just seconds from Route 12, the location is ideal.  Another big advantage for me is that women who frequent Vickie's are my audience - women who would absolutely love to get together and laugh!
     Days later Vickie, Monica and I met to discuss the possibility of bringing comedy (along with other great daily classes and workshops) to the beautiful vacant space.  Our ideas seemed unlimited.  We knew that Wauconda needed something wonderful to call its very own.  I felt elated that I could share the culture I'd know for 25 years - the comedy scene.  Comedy is almost an addiction in its ability to relieve stress and forget about all the troubles of the day and/or week.  It's been a blessing I have known most of my life.  I wanted to give this gift back to Wauconda. 

     With opening day just three days away, the mood at Vickie's Plaza is thrilling.  I know that comedy is a wonderful gift that keeps on giving.  I'm so happy to bring comedy home!
     Days later,

Ballroom Dancing With the Comedian!

           This past weekend I signed up for a private ballroom dance lesson.  Let’s check that right off the bucket list. 

           I’ve always loved to dance and oddly enough the first song I fell in love with was “Let Me Entertain You” from the striptease move “Gypsy” when I was just eight years old.  I sang the heck out of that song and practiced a lot of dance moves with it too.  I wonder how bizarre my family thought it was that I’d fallen in love with such a provocative song.  Of course little “June” in the movie sang it when she was five in a white dress with a petticoat and patent leather shoes.  Wait a minute, who let me watch “Gypsy” anyway?  That wasn’t the all-girl Catholic school way.

          I’ve loved dancing all my life and I’ve taken lessons in tap, jazz, ballet and acrobatics.  The one thing I always pined for was ballroom dancing.  I always wondered where those people learned to dance with one another.  When I was in jazz class, I’d see advanced dancers carrying each other through the air.  I always thought, “I want a little piece of that!”

           Last week, I decided to put my thoughts into action after being inspired by “Dancing With the Stars.”  If this TV show is so popular, they’re must be a way to go after this dream.  I googled my way to ballroom dance instruction that looked reputable and I was on my way.  On Friday, I had my first private ballroom dance lesson.

           I’ve always wanted to learn how to dance with a guy who has exceptional rhythm.  Although my husband is interested in learning ballroom, I wanted to take the first class alone.  My husband’s ability to dance-“not” is well documented in my show.

           To say that I didn’t know how to dress for ballroom dancing instruction is an understatement.  Growing up Catholic makes me always reach for plaid.  Sure enough, I arrived in a plaid shirt, goofy work-out pants and yesterday’s horrible black heels.  My ballroom dance instructor, “Cinnamon” must have taken lessons in poker face because as odd as I looked he kept a straight face.  Not easy to do for a black ultra-cool black dude with shades and bling that looked like he could have graced the cover of Ebony Magazine.  When we met he didn’t crack a smile.  I could read the “Oh my god, is this the best they can give me” look that was written all over his face.  When we turned to look in the mirror, the sight was so bizarre I wanted to make it better by promising to wear a Cat Woman suit the next week.  Poor Cinnamon - I knew I’d make it up to him with my ability to “catch on.”

           Cinnamon asked me what  type of music I liked.  I’m thinking  “oldies”and “ Lady Gaga”.  I refused to let my teeny bopper mentality show and I blurted out  “Usher.”  Ha!  I remember being introduced on stage to an Usher song that really made me want to dance.  That counts!

           The lesson was awesome.  Dancing with a man who has rhythm (a black man who has rhythm – super extra bonus points!) was a dream.  It was everything I could imagine – fun, challenging and yet effortless.  Dancing on a cloud is a just description.  As Cinnamon danced he started to smile and repeatedly said “Thank You” as I picked up his moves after only one demonstration.  And best of all, he gave me the ultimate black dancer’s compliment, “Sally, you’ve a got a little black in you.”  Knock me over with feather!  I’d been working for a compliment like that since Gypsy Rose Lee.

           I left the ballroom lesson feeling a true sense of accomplishment.  But like all dreams, it’s time to wake up.  My next dancing lesson includes a challenging (challenged?) and adorable partner – my husband Bert.  Cinnamon, I bet you thought you’d seen everything when I arrived in my goofy plaid shirt and Capri pajama-like pants.  There’s another half to this cool-bound dance lady.  You better work on that poker face.  You’re gonna need it!

Comedy LaughIn Comes to Lake County!

     We've lived in Wauconda for over a year now and it is quite an adjustment from downtown Arlington Heights (and prior to that the City of Chicago).  Thankfully, it is a welcome adjustment that I cherish every day as I walk with my five dogs in Wauconda's serene and pastoral dog park.

     What do I miss most?  The nearby comedy scene, of course.  With the closing of Zanies Comedy Club in Vernon Hills, it is a solid 45 minute drive to another similar establishment.  However, with the arrival of ComedyLaughIn (ComedyLaughIn.com), a new comedy stage is coming to Wauconda that is the brainstorm of Monica Jablonski, Vickie (the "Vickie" of Vickies' Personal Salon and Spa), and myself.  We're thrilled there will be another entertainment venue nearby that will give audiences a place to laugh and relieve stress and allow their spirits to soar!

  Right now ComedyLaughIn is a once a month venture until January 1, 2012.  After that, the future is wide open to us as the present tenant leaves the premises.

     Opening week, I will perform clean stand up comedy from my one person show "Family Lunacy!"  My son, Steven Haas  will open for me.  He is one of Zanies' fastest rising stars with his clean material written brilliantly (Yes, that's the word on the comedy circuit.)

     Admission is $20.  It is a flat fee because it is a BYOB venue.  (No hidden costs or tips.)

     Best of all, the young people of Wauconda will now have a entertainment destination that includes laughter, fun and friendships.

     I love Wauconda for so many reasons.  And now I love it even more!  Visit ComedyLaughIn at 349 South Barrington Road in Wauconda.

 

I Left My Shins at the San Francisco Picasso Art Exhibit.

   Just returned from a trip to San Franciso where we brought our 19 year old daughter back to school for her Sophomore year.  It's alot less rough the second time around when her very excited friends are there to meet and greet her.  I even got to experience what is to be invisible!

     I enjoyed being the parent with no pressure to appear cool in any way, shape or form.  (My husband is so far off the scale of cool, he refers to himself as a "hipster."  He's actually more "retro" since he can't let go of the 60's fedora, sweater vest and argyle socks.)

     If you ever plan on going to San Francisco, start walking uphill now ... or maybe, yesterday.  Believe it or not, I trained for the trip, walking on my treadmill at elevations of eight and ten for two months.  The mistake I made is that I did not practice walking downhill.  By day two of our trips, I had shinsplints that would make a soccer goalie swoon. 

     I reached my peak of pain at the Museum of Fine Art when we walked slowly through the Picasso art exhibit.  Now I'm not sure if my feet and shins hurt too much or if Picasso had really ugly friends, but I just didn't get it.  Call me unsophisticated, unrefined or in need of a good foot rubbing but cubism seems like a scam.  Being a comedian, I entertained myself with my own thoughts as I sat on a bench and waited for my husband and daughter to inspect the paintings.  "How did this guy keep any friends?  Once he turned the canvass around and said, 'This is you', I think that would have been it!" And was that couple with the cockeyed heads who were painted running down the beach really that homely?  I bet they thought they looked cute that day.  What about the lady who had her arm coming out of the side of her head.  Did she jump up infuriated and say, "Listen, my little Pic, did I really have to sit here all day for that?!  I am so outa here!"

     Maybe an Aleve or a masseuse would have changed my whole perspective or brightened my spirit.  Perhaps Picasso was a hipster and I was the one wearing a sweater vest that day.  Trying to think of the "good" news, I decided my next career could be that of a cubistic artist.  I can't draw, I can't paint and yet my friends would think my contorted efforts were inventive and creative.  Now that I think about it, maybe this Picasso guy was really on to something!

When you Can't Button Your "Fat" Pants....

    Everyone has a moment when they look in the mirror and say, "That's it.  I'm going on a diet!"  For some, the sentiment kicks in when the scale tips a mere five pounds over the line.  For others, it's when the ambulance comes with the extra wide stretcher and they take a power saw to the front of your house because they want you star in a new reality show called "Wide Load."  Despite this disparity, the point remains - when a woman feels fat - she feels fat.  Oddly enough, the anorexic often feels "fat" too.

    My moment came two weeks ago when my "fat" pants wouldn't button anymore.  My desire to procrastinate had reached it's end.  There was nowhere to turn but Kohl's with a 30% coupon.  Did I really want to start a new wardrobe from scratch?  I was backed into a muffin-topped corner.

     Two years ago, my weight reached 162.  Incredibly, my pregnant weight was 160.  This alone sounds like the start to a very scary story.  Despite this weight gain, I didn't see myself much differently.  I have a theory about women - we tend to see ourselves as we looked in high school.  We're oblivious to the weight that gradually forms on our thighs, buttocks and waist until someone appears with that video from hell.

     Being on stage has been a godsend in this regard.  A video shakes a skewed picture of reality and quickly answers the age-old question "Do I look fat?"  My realistic video came at Taste of Chicago two years ago.  I had my son tape me on the comedy stage.  I was wearing a full pleated top (of course) that could easily have been bought in the maternity section.  When I saw the tape, I thought, "No need to throw those old baby jokes away just yet."  I was horrified.  "Is this what I look like?"  "But I thought I was still that skinny girl in high school!  Where'd she go? No wonder no one tells me how skinny I am anymore!  Wow - I've been really out of touch."

     I tested the waters.  I told a neighbor who tipped the scales at 450 pounds that I was thinking of going on a diet.  Her response, "What diet are you thinking of going on?"  That's it!  Why didn't she scream, "You - diet!  But you're so skinny!"  I had to take action fast.

     I immediately considered Weight Watchers but I know I like to eat food when I handle it - not weigh it.  I thought of cooking those special light calorie meals from my special light calorie meal cookbook.  Nope.  I can't cook that way.  It's just too depressing.

     I decided to join Jenny Craig.  The food comes in little boxes.  When the little boxes are empty that's the signal to stop eating.  Yes.  I would need that big of hint.  I called Jenny Craig and they said, "Come in now...or sooner!"  (I like that strategy - don't let women think twice about giving up their chocolate cake and ice cream.)

     The Jenny diet worked like magic!  I was able to drop 20 pounds in 10 weeks and the only new clothes that I bought were labeled "Size 8."  I am a lifetime member of Jenny.  When the pounds go up - I run for help.  The extra cost of food is a small price to pay in exchange for what could become any looming weight gain medical issues.  Best of all, it took my out of my "I look the same as I did in high school trance."  Stand on stage ladies and take a video, it's a wake up call that lasts a lifetime!

     In mid-July I was desperate to practice a five minute set.  I was preparing for The World Series of Comedy Competition in St. Charles.  The material I chose was very familiar to me but I had not yet put it together to assure myself that it did indeed equal five minutes.  The World Series of Comedy wanted a short and sweet five minutes.

    After scouring the internet, I realize the only "new talent" or "showcase" club feasible for me to practice this five minutes was in Schaumburg at the Laff Out Loud Theater.  I had heard that comedians could do brief sets every other Sunday at this club.  Generally new talents show up and go up.  I had this in mind when I went to the theater's site to find showtimes.  What happened next stunned me and saddened me.

    In order to perform five minutes at The Laff Out Loud Theater, it is necessary to sign up and pay $5.00 by credit card including $1.26 in tax!??!  (Tax?  Taxing what?)  In order to do five minutes of standup comedy after 30 years of stage experience - I had to pay?!  Wow!

    Did I sign up?  Of course I did - out of morbid curiosity.

   Ten days later I drove out to Schaumburg and entered the Laff Out Loud Theater foyer.  I was surrounded by about 15 young comics - the average age was 21.  All I could think was, "Why?"  "Why is this club taking advantage of your drive?  Why don't you know any better?  Why did it come to this again?"

  I performed my short five minute set early in the evening and was out the door by 9:00.  I wanted to leave that environment because it caused my heart to ache for all of those young creative spirits.  If only they could understand how a respectful career in comedy really is supposed to be.

Comedians Pay - $2.00 and a Free Drink!?

     New young comedians are now paying to take the stage!  Certainly this must be a joke!  (Pun may be intended - it's your call.)

     As a new comedian, I was thrilled to perform.  I started at the Comedy Cottage in Rosemont, IL where comedians could perform for 5 minutes and receive $2 in pay, plus a free drink.  No one questioned the pay.  We were so happy to be on stage in a room that was "hot."

   The Comedy Cottage was an ideal size for stand up comedy and it had great acoustics.  It was a money making a machine!  Did I mention that the performers were paid $2.00?  Oh yes, I think I did.

  On both the east and west coasts, comedy was hot.  Jay Leno, Jerry Seinfeld, David Letterman, Drew Carey were just a few of the comedians getting their start.  They performed at places like "Catch A Rising Star" in N.Y. and "The Comedy Store" in L.A.  Their pay - $5.  The club owner referred to it as "gas money."  The stand up comedy club scene was on fire.  The clubs were raking it in.  Did I mention that Jay Leno (who has always been a superior comedian) received $5.  Yep.  I think I did.

    Eventually the comics cried, "Enough is Enough!" and the comedy writers and performers went on strike.  They demanded to be paid.  They demanded respect.  They wanted to be appreciated.  I can personally tell you that while the writers strike was on, television entertainment was at an all new low.  I sure missed the talents of my incredibly funny peers.

  The result of the strike was a decent paycheck for services rendered.  Comedy is a business too.  Comedians need food and shelter and they need to be appreciated for their talents.  The strike made the world seem right again!  (More tomorrow on the comedy scene.)

Best Case Scenario - Your Child Leaves Home - Hmmmmm

     They say that the sign of success when bringing up children is that they grow up and leave.  Can someone come up with another sign please?  This payoff doesn't sound so good.
     Mothers are torn between wanting to see their children accomplish great things and staying home forever and ever. Have you seen parents drop their children off at college for the first time? Bobby or Susie immediately blends into the sea of other excited Freshmen while mom and dad linger lost in their own aching hearts. Often, colleges will post the time for parent departure for fear that dad will don his old football uniform and beg his boy to throw around the ball just one last time.
     My first son, Brendan, just graduated from the University of Chicago with honors in Physics.  (Yes.  I'm beaming.  I'm a comedian and yet I gave birth to a physicist.  God has a great sense of humor.  No wonder he was such a tough crowd.)  We went to Brendan's graduation knowing what his exciting future held.  He'd been picked from the graduating class, along with one other physics major, to go to Switzerland to work at the CERN Nuclear Collider for one year - paid!  My husband and I couldn't be more proud.  We've high-fived, Facebooked, Skyed and Twittered from the rooftops.
  In my quieter moments, I was thinking something quite different.  (Bear in mind, I often think in ways to entertain myself.)  THEY JUST KIDNAPPED MY KID.  I did everything right, read all the Mommy books, attended the soccer games, made the chocolate chip cookies and bought him the expensive calculator.  The result of my efforts were an INTERNATIONAL KIDNAPPING.  How come Switzerland gets him!
  I Gmail Chatted with Brendan this morning as he watched over a number of controls at the CERN facility.  He's been in Geneva for two months now and is doing great!  To Brendan, this is an adventure of a lifetime and it will propel him even faster toward his dreams.  We are all so proud!  Secretly, I know I had the most wonderful adventure of watching this all come to be.  It started when he was six years old in the backseat of our minivan when he asked, "Mom, what do you think about black holes?"  Being a comedian I was speechless and thought, "Yikes.  This parenting thing sure would be a lot easier if I could just answer with a joke!"

The Comedy Competition - You Gotta Love 'Em

  Last night I performed in a comedy competition - "The World Series of Comedy" - at Zanies in St. Charles, IL.  Sixteen comedians took the stage to win fabulous bookings, including advancement to Las Vegas.  Some comics flew from as far away as Washington (yes - the state!) to perform in this battle of hilarity for the opportunity to simply work more. (Yes - comedians love their craft that much.)  I had a super time.

   My reason for entering the competition was not for an opportunity to win.  Yes.  I said it.  Because I perform a one-person comedy show, I was not trying to win the prize of a middle spot at various comedy clubs.  And, based on my history of my competition abilities I was not worried about winning the grand prize.  (Some thrive on the competition aspect.  I generally avoid competitive comedy.)  I entered the competition because I wanted a personal challenge.  I wanted to stay "fresh" over the summer months when my bookings ebb with the school year calendar.

  To prepare for the competition, I performed a five minute set one week ago on the St. Charles comedy stage.  This guest set was to get the wheels back in motion.  My daughter said, "Yes Mom.  I could see you thinking."  Mission accomplished.

  Four days later, I went to "Laff Out Loud" in Schaumburg for another five minute "practice" set.  I was surrounded primarily by new talents.  The energy of these brand new comedians was amazing.  Most went on stage "raw" with new jokes that screamed "This is what I think is funny."  The laughs were minimal and most of the material was blue (i.e. dirty).  However, the energy among the comedians was new and hopeful.  It gave me a great push to polish my set.

  And this brings us to Wednesday night's competition.  With two sets of preparation, I was back on my game.  The audience was fantastic.  I reached my goal of making a great stride forward as I prepare for my corporate bookings which seem to wake from a deep slumber in the fall.  I won a personal prize of accomplishment and that, to me, is the greatest win of all!

Join Sally Edwards at The World Series of Comedy!

Comedian Sally Edwards at Zanies Comedy Club

The World Series of Comedy
Zanies, Pheasant Run, St. Charles, IL

Join Sally Edwards and 39 Professional Comics as they Compete To Win A Trip To The Main Event in Las Vegas! Special room rates available at the Pheasant Run Resort!

Wildcard Wednesday:
Round 1 comics will perform 5 minutes.
Three round 1 comics will advance.
One Wildcard winner will perform in each of Thursday & Friday shows.


Thursday:
Each comic in round 2 will perform 7 minutes.
Six round 2 comics will advance to Saturday's first show.

Friday and Saturday: Comics Line-Up Coming Soon

First Place:
Direct Entry & Free Registration into the Main Event in Las Vegas
$200 Airfare Voucher for Trip to Las Vegas
Hotel Room for 5 Nights in Las Vegas
Paid Work from Zanies Comedy Club
Come out and be heard!

Help! I'm Vacationing with a Teen!

This past weekend my daughter  and I went on a “girl’s weekend.”  We packed a bag and headed for a bizarre but unique museum-of-sorts called “House on the Rock” near Madison, Wisconsin.  I was thrilled to go.  My daughter has been away at college for a year and she came back having a new appreciation for “Mom.”   (My friends said it would happen but I had too much post-traumatic teen stress to believe it.)  In just one short year, I’d shed the labels of “uncool”, “lame”, “pathetic” and “kinda creepy.”  (I believe that now I am well on my way to “Woman of the Year.”)  

Our weekend was a mere 36 hours long.  I thought it would consist of a nice “House on the Rock” visit, an overnight stay at a hotel, reading and dinner.  After all, as I remember it “vacation” means rest and relaxation.  

Hold on to your seats folks.  I forgot what “vacation” means to the young at heart.  In just 36 hours, we visited House on the Rock (a two hour tour of the collections of Alex Jordan), Cave of the Mounds (a one hour tour of a limestone cave), the Frank Lloyd Wright Visitor’s Center (my daughter is studying to be an architect), a game of racquetball (which consisted mostly of hysterical laughing), a game of tennis (more laughing), a stop at a roadside petting zoo, a visit to “Little Norway” (just like Norway – but little) and finally, a peek at the Wild West Museum.

When we returned home I was still running, high on the NoDoz I took just to make the three hour drive without needing a nap at the wheel.   I felt invigorated!

The next morning, my daughter left the house at 5:00 a.m. to work at her summer bakery job where she stayed until 3:00 p.m.  The next morning, I didn’t look cool.  I looked pathetic, lame and “kinda creepy.”   I stayed in bed ‘til 12:00 and I believe I can tell you how it feels to be in a bar fight.   It has taken me two full days to recover.  And yes, you guessed it, my daughter is still going strong.  Maybe “cool” was too big of a goal to reach in 36 hours.  I’m pretty proud of hanging in there, not breaking anything and remaining conscious as I drove the rugged terrain of Northwest Wisconsin! 

Who needs to be young and cool again anyway?  It’s just  too exhausting!

The Change of Life and Perry Como

I'm not sure that most women know that the change is coming. Most women aren't even quite sure the change has arrived as they stand motionless in the eye of their own hurricane. Oddly enough, those dear men who accompany us through life and who we claim are oblivious to feminine needs are aware of the change the very minute our hormones start to do their wicked dance.

     What gives it away? Is it the spinning head or the weepy welcomes or the air conditioning running in December?

     I admit I was oblivious. I knew something was not quite right. I thought I was sick. My brain was not functioning as normal. It's as if people were talking to me and I was absorbing the information through cotton candy. I felt slightly feverish. "Surely I must be coming down with something," I thought.

     It can't be menopause. I'm not sweating profusely in bed. I had experienced a hot flash or two over the years but nothing significant. Menopause is supposed to be loaded with countless nights of changing nightgowns. I was in the clear - or so I thought.

     "I believe you're peri-menopausal." Dr. O'Brien peered at me down his nose and through horn-rimmed reading glasses. That was a new one. "What's peri-menopause?" I asked. "Well that's the time before menopause when a woman starts to feel mild hormonal changes resulting in cloudy thinking and feelings of warmth accompanied by stress and irritability."

     Still not convinced that I could have a pinky over the other side, I asked, "But how can you be sure that I'm peri-menopausal?" In professional knee-jerk authority he responded, "Do you know who Perry Como is?"

     Perry Como - the American crooner, the hearthrob of the '50s and beyond.  I remember Perry Como, the famous singer, the recording artist, the television star, that handsome hunk. I  confirmed the many years I spent on earth when I responded, "Yes!"

     And with that the deal was sealed.

     I drove home realizing I reached the summit. I had that one pinky over the line. I tried to cheer myself up by humming a tune - a rendition of "Jingle Bells" that Perry Como made popular so many very short years ago.

Teens and Their Menopausal Mothers - The Emotional Train Wreck

Every new mom is warned about the "terrible twos"- the time in your child's life when he or she is transformed into a mobile destruction unit no longer capable of understanding the word "No".   Every mom comes out with her war stories of the child who survived their own personal reign of terror.

Brendan spun out of control and threw himself sideways down a flight of stairs; Steven jumped on the bed in his sister's room, missed that perfect landing and broke his leg; Christine sucked on the counter at McDonalds and lived to laugh and shudder at the story.

Ah, the terrible twos- the simple life of parental worry. Little did I know that the terrible twos were baby steps to prepare us for the terrible teens- those adorable out-of-control kids- with attitude!

Does it strike you as ironic that most young girls approach their change of life into womanhood at the same time their own mothers are approaching their change of life into the golden years? I refer to this phenomenon as the hormonal train wreck. Two cyclonic life forms spiraling out-of-control trapped in the boundaries of four brick or aluminum-sided walls. No wonder the house starts to heave ho and split at the seams spilling out teenagers screaming, "Freedom, freedom, freedom!"

Does is strike you as odd that in the "olden, olden days" young boys were plowing the fields and assuming an iron-clad work ethic so that they could start their own families at age 14 or 15? Now we keep them under wrap until they're 18 and wonder why they attempt to blow the roof off the house with loud music full of agonizing lyrics.

And so I muse at the ironies of my terrible teens coming of age. I see the sky darken and the 30-foot wave approaching as lightening bolts strike a former sea of calm. And every time another emotional wave approaches with its threats and outbursts, I think to myself, "OH YEA, I USED TO DO THAT TOO!"

Clean Comedy Comes Home

Having "grown up" in the Midwest as a stand up comedian", I know that clean comedians in the Chicago area are a rare commodity these days. However, with the overkill of provocative comedy on cable television, they are making a comeback. Comedians performing clean comedy in the Chicago are ahead of the game.

I first took the stage in the mid-80's when television's comedy heroes were just beginning to change. While my parents still laughed at the one-liners of Bob Hope and the gimmicks of Red Skelton, a new generation was forming that would follow in the footsteps of Lenny Bruce and George Carlton. Material was becoming more risqué and very edgy.

With the advent of a few cable television channels, boundaries widened. Comedy material that had been "bleeped" by major networks was gradually becoming accepted. While the likes of Joan Rivers and words like "pregnant" had once raised eyebrows, the rants and raves of Sam Kinison made such references pale in comparison. America wanted to hear the straight talk. Offensive language and material was the new kick.

Welcome satellite TV and everything in between. Hundreds of channels and no specific guidelines for taste or tack cause the "tell-it-like-it-is" factor to spiral out of control. Every physical body part is explored and fair game for joking. The crowd goes wild as baby boomers are no longer silenced by the censor of the mom and dad generation. Who could have predicted after years of honing comedy material for the CBS, NBC and ABC talk shows that absolutely anything could be said or written for television? The baby boomers spilled their guts and ranted and raved. The uninspired became just plain foul.

The audience grew tired of it and even disgusted. Where's the genius in over-using the four-letter word?

And the tide takes a turn.

Clean comedy is back. No longer thrilled by shock value, a new generation sees the value in the inspired observation. There is an awe in watching a clean comic work and get laughs. Like an injured warrior taking his first step without crutches, there is bit of heroism in clean comedy. Audiences like the fact that they are treated as intelligent human beings who "get it". Clean comedy is the new "hip" because it offers a fresh approach to funny as life and all of its joys, pains and pitfalls are turned inside out.

Clean comedians in Chicago are making a comeback along with the rest of the nation. This really is a time for change when we re-examine our values and find joy in clean and intelligent humor.

Sally Edwards is a professional clean comedian, keynote speaker and corporate humorist who began her career studying improvisation at Chicago's Second City. Sally has been featured on Showtime's Comedy Club Network, A&E and NBC TV's Friday Night.

Sally Edwards is the president of The Humorous Speakers Bureau in Chicago.

Married Sex and The Irony of Leaving Home

Wait a minute. Something's gone askew. I got married so I could have an intimate sexual relationship with my partner whenever the mood so swayed me. I moved out of my parent's house so I could become independent and have privacy with my mate. I imagined doors left wide open, no room off limits and we might give the neighbors something to talk about!

The irony of all this hits me as I lay in bed with our two year old son, Brendan who is sprawled between my husband and me. Brendan's wild contortions in sleep could land him a gig as an acrobat in the circus. This "come sleep with Mommy and Daddy thing" seemed like a good idea the night the thunderstorm hit three weeks ago. Now I realize I've created a well established pattern that just might be the 100% birth control guarantee the world has been chasing.

It's a guaranteed deal. Kids in the bed, kids in the bathroom and kids watching TV with their ears wide open will bring your love life to a screeching halt. And when I say "kids", let me explain - it only takes one.

Young adults leave home for independence and privacy and what is the first thing they do? They start making plans to bring more people into the house! It appears that the passionate lovemaking goal is not a satisfactory end in itself.

When I have a vacant look in my eyes and start to cry at cartoons, my parents offer to watch the kids. "Go out for the night. Enjoy yourself! We'll take care of everything." It sounds exotically tempting but "out for the night" in senior lingo means "Go to the 5:00 movie. We go to bed at 7:30."

When a husband and wife "go to bed together" that phrase takes on a new meaning after babies are in the house. An exhausted daddy who has given too many piggy back rides and has the baby's puke on his golf shirt lies next to an incoherent mommy who is still babbling "The Wheels on the Bus" lyrics. They lie motionless from exhaustion in half-sleep until the human alarm rings at 2:00 a.m.

Let me review the plan here - move out, declare independence, pursue perpetual love making in every room of the house.

Reality show - spit covered zombies sharing the bed with a two-year old bed hog.

Why does this plan gone awry by young adults perpetuate itself? Because it is a great plan! It is full of surprises, twists and turns. It is a plan full of unconditional love, comfort, security and peace. My husband and I had our own plan of independence and marriage but it appears God's plan is so much

better. And yes, God does believe in birth control. It's called "Grind to a halt. There's kids in the house!"

Giving Birth to Higher Life Forms

I'm looking at my two teenage boys sitting on the sofa as they watch reruns of "The Daily Show". At ages 14 and 15, respectively, they are both gaining height as rapidly as I gain width from mid-life bulge. . Steven is a natural talker, a natural laugher, a definite people person. Brendan at 15, is so highly intelligent that his innocent questions in the car at age five brought all conversation to a halt. "Mom, why do people say "one egg" but "zero eggs? " "Mom, what matter do you think black holes are made of?" He followed through in life by getting a 98% on his PSATs.

"Earth to Mom!" My 13 year old daughter, Christine walks towards my desk in the family room and is radioing in. "Mom, what are you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about those earthlings over there that I gave birth to. How'd did they get bigger than me and smarter than me? When I met them they were only 23 inches long. None of this makes sense. I've been on the planet longer. I should know more stuff and be able to do more stuff.""

"Mom, can I have a trampoline? The Burkes just got one." Images of bounding children in neck braces crossed my mind. "No. I can't take the chance that someone will get hurt in our backyard." "But the Burkes got one!" "Christine, that's because the Burkes have five kids and its cheaper than a babysitter. If two of them break their leg, they score an advantage of less mobility in the house."

"Can I get a tattoo?" I gasped for breath. "A tattoo!" Christine answered me with conviction, "Yes. I'd like a tattoo of a little yellow rose right above my rear. I think it will look pretty with my bathing suit this summer." I shook my head "No" but I knew Christine was not convinced. I realize that what young girls don't understand is that with time and gravity that little yellow rose will grow into a giant sunflower. "But mom, tattoos are cool!"

Uh, oh - did she say "cool"? I reeled from yet another revelation. My children are bigger, smarter and COOLER than me. As I gaze back toward Jon Stewart as he wraps up another segment of irreverent political humor - the realization of all the joy of motherhood was clear. I had given birth to higher life forms! I'd given birth to three beautiful children who had become bigger, smarter and cooler than me. For this great gift, I am awestruck and forever thankful. In my prayers, I say, "Thank you God for giving me a little taste of your creation!"



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/607299

Live Your Private Dream

It's an interesting combination- piano teacher by day; standup comedian by night. To tell you the truth, I went for years denying my comic abilities, never telling the other grade school moms about the person I really was. None of them knew I'd spent most of my life, six days a week and sometimes threes shows a night, in smoky comedy clubs trying to make people laugh.

I didn't want to admit my recent past because I felt too many negative connotations come to mind in the words "standup comedian" - drinking, drugs, lewd material and perhaps irresponsible parenting. Living my teenage years at an all-girl's Catholic boarding school, I'd been engrained with a lifestyle that was not a match. And so I kept my past and dreams a secret.

I took off many years from standup comedy when my children were small. After my third child was born, I missed them all so much when I would go out to do a show at night. I continually thought, "Why am I here? I want to go home." Eventually the desire to be with my children at night combined with a healthy dose of exhaustion convinced me that I could leave standup comedy and lead a "normal" life. In retrospect, the lesson learned is - never turn your back on your dream - it will catch up with you, if you're lucky.

What happened in those years that I stayed away from the stage? I wrote and wrote and wrote. (Eventually that writing would become my first show entitled, "BIG PEOPLE, little people!") It was easy to write. I found my children endlessly amusing - let's change that to downright hilarious. I thought to myself, "What if adults acted like children?' "How long would it take for an adult who acted like a child to be committed?" Maybe less than a minute?

My son wore his Power Ranger costume to the grocery store. If I did that nobody would think I was cute. They'd commit me. They'd call the authorities. They'd call 911. They'd say, "Bag Lady in Aisle 6!"

What if I started screaming in church and tried to run up the aisle? Nobody would say, "She's kind of cranky today." No! They'd hustle me out and everyone would be very "disturbed".

What if I ate a spaghetti dinner and left the sauce all over my mouth and ran it through my hair? How do kids get away with this stuff!

And it made me laugh. And I wrote it down. And I'm still writing it down today.

The other day I was teaching a six-year-old girl a beginning piano lesson. In all her innocence, she started her own interesting conversation with me. "Mrs. Edwards. don't you hate it when you're on the monkey bars and you forget you have a skirt on, and your underpants show?" And I said quite matter-of-factly, "Yes. I do hate that! And I know just how you feel!"

Don't Marry A Felix Unger!

“Whatever you do – Don’t marry a Felix Unger!” I watch my other half carefully garnish a plate of salmon that he has grilled to perfection. On the stove are cut green beans simmering in a delicate mushroom sauce. Also on display are homemade mash potatoes.

“Sally! Whatever you do – Don’t marry a Felix Unger!” Now I get it! I drop my shovel and wipe the sweat from my forehead. Felix served a mean quiche but I don’t remember him doing yard work or being a handyman.

And the irony hits me as I dig out an old lilac bush. And It echoes as I stain the deck and paint the bedroom and peel ‘n stick the family room floor. I think of this pre-marriage advice as I pile 10 bags of woodchips in the back of my car to spread under the kid’s favorite apple tree. I ponder it as I beg the floor clerk in the hardware store to please explain how to assemble the lawn mower I brought home in an over-sized box last week. And I continue to think of it as my husband firmly ushers me away from the washing machine as he holds up his favorite t-shirt covered in bleach stains.

Yep. I married a Felix Unger. Yep. I did.

I return to my digging and think, “This fresh air sure smells good. My Felix doesn’t lift a shovel or mend a fence or own a tool kit but I know one thing. He cleans and cooks and he irons and picks up dry cleaning. My husband's Oscar Madison is one very lucky woman!”

Weiner Doll - The Man Dream

Congratulations to Congressman Weiner who has fulfilled every man's dream - they have created a bulging muscle replica of the man himself in his white-y, tidies.

My own husband spends alot of time looking at himself in the mirror. Did I say "alot" of time? I mean ALOT OF TIME! I know other women who experience this strange and unexpected phenomenon of "Mantime in the Mirror." Now Anthony Weiner has taken it one step further! He photographed himself looking in the mirror strutting his "stuff."
The average American man could relate to this stance but feigned indignity. The average American woman thought, "Oh yea, I've seen that before."

And now they've made an anatomically correct doll out of him. And sales are skyrocketing through the roof! Every man in America is screaming from the rooftops, "They made a doll made in his likeness! That coulda, woulda, shoulda been me!!!

My question is, "Who do you think scooped up those dolls?" ... Sneak into your man's cave today and take a peek. You just might be surprised at the new superhero sitting on your signficant other's desk. Yes Ladies! Anthony Weiner is in the house!

Laugh of the Day - Comedy by Sally

I saw the cutest thing on the news yesterday. A little girl of only four years old (Aelita Andre) had amazingly creative paintings hanging (and for sale) in an art gallery. A fawning reporter said, “Oooh you are so talented. These paintings are done so creatively! … What do you want to be when you grow up? (anxiously awaiting the expected reply).


The young Picasso matter-of-factly replied, “When I grow up – I want to be a caterpillar!”

Comedian performs at Carillon North in Grayslake - Lake County News-Sun

Comedian performs at Carillon North in Grayslake - Lake County News-Sun

Feature Spot with Kevin Nealon

Working with an "A" List Comedian who is featured in a very popular TV show ("Weeds") and formerly a very hilarious part of Saturday Night Live might seem like a dream come true. On many levels it is - especially since Kevin Nealon is a wonderfully nice person. However, in addition to it being an exciting venture it is also stepping into the unknown of basic audience reaction.

An audience that comes out to see a particular performer is generally locked into the appearance of that celebrity. The m.c. of the show as well as the feature act are on very shaky ground under these circumstances. The position of "feature" in case like this is glorified only on paper.
----------
The 7:00 p.m. show at Zanies was a feature act's dream. The crowd was older and more mannerly than the average Saturday night crowd. These folks seem to know Kevin from the good ole' days of SNL TV. I could not have asked for a warmer and more gracious audience. We had fun and it was a great set up for Kevin Nealon.

The 9:30 p.m. show was a different story! This cast of characters seemed to have walked right off the set of "Weeds" still waving the smoke from in front of their eyes. The average mental age seemed to be about 13.

Although a comedy club is supposed to help in crowd control this was not the case. Screaming, yelling, and ranting set the bar for attentiveness. They came at me from either side and I was ready. Well almost ready. I could only calm the craziest of the crazies. One bold heckler broke through so I gave him the microphone to see how he'd handle his dream of taking the stage. The audience "booed" and screamed "get off the stage." After that warm encounter, my heckling friend may reconsider his dream of telling jokes. I escaped unharmed and the night ended with Kevin Nealon pulling it all off like a pro.

Corporate Comedian - Chasing the Dream

I am returning with a vengeance to my stand up comedy career after raising three children with my supportive husband.

In order to gain a stronghold on the internet I met with Matt Kush at Mak Consulting. He is a wizard when it comes to search engine optimization! I love designing web pages and promoting them especially when it revolves my passion for standup comedy.

Web knowledge goes hand-in-hand for the corporate comedian who seeks out corporate events. Today was a true rebirth of my already strong knowledge of website promotion. I am eager to dive back into the corporate comedy scene and Matt paved the way towards marketing and promotion.